Thai Amulet Forum
Archives => Old Threads => Topic started by: LViroj on September 12, 2018, 09:22:17 am
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The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"
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At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
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A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
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Employe: "I bet you $6,000 i can **** in your cup 30 meters away."
Boss: "Ok I would like to see you try."
Employee: As he moves on pissing all over the floor loosing $6,000 not caring.
Boss: "Ha you just lost $6,000."
Secretary: "God damn it!"
Boss: "Whats wrong?"
Secretary: "He bet me $200,000 he could **** all over your floor and you would be happy about it!"
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"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A doctor." "And why's that?" "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."
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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"
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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ****.
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It wouldn't have worked with people these days.
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Phra Somdej,
I don't know ???
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Wife : Shall I prepare curry or soup today?
Hubby : First make it, we will name it later.
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear google, please do not behave like my wife.............
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.
A married man's prayer :
Dear God,
You gave me childhood, you took it away.
You gave me youth, you took it away.
You gave me a wife..... its been years now, just reminding you.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is in a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bother with cooking dinner tonight!!!
Why the hell you bring him home for?"
Husband answer " Because he's thinking of getting married".
Husband : I found alladin's lamp today.
Wife : Wow, what did you ask him for darling.
Husband : I ask him to increase your brain ten times.
Wife : Oh darling .... love you so much..... did he do that ?
Husband : He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.
A couple was having dinner in a fancy restaurant. As the food was served,
the husband said, "Lets eat".
Wife : Honey.... you say your prayer before eating at home.
Husband : That's at home sweetheart .... here the chef knows how to cook.
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MY KIND OF DOCTOR!!!
If you can read it to the end, it may give you a (little) smile.
I have chocolate in my mouth right now...!
Love this Japanese Doctor!
Dr. Itchibawa
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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They Walk Among Us !!!!!!!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head
and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin. girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend
drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.'
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told
me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'.........
(I work with professionals like this.)
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza “to go”. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.*
A psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to
schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'' Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should
answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.’'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.Well, you might ask, 'Captain
Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You
wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, they do walk among us
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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
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A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"
St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son...
We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and according to that, you're at least 108 years old!"
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The Bengs business venture
There were 4 Ah Bengs. They decided to start a business. They decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipment and manpower. The 4 Ah Bengs waited that day for the car to arrive but no car entered their garage.
They waited for 1 day,2 days, a week for the car to arrive but no car came to their garage. WHY? Because their garage was on the second floor.
After this failure they decided to try good old taxi driving. They bought a new London Cab & began to look for passengers. They drove past Orchard Road but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Changi Airport yet nobody hailed their taxi.
They even drove to Serangoon Road, even nobody hailed their taxi.In desperation they kept on driving all around Singapore but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY? Because all the four Ah bengs were sitting in the taxi.
After the 4 Ah Bengs were very disappointed with their fate & decided to push their taxi into the sea. They started pushing their taxi. They push the whole day & were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch.
They decided to rest for a while & started to push again. The taxi just wouldn't move. WHY? Because 2 Ah Bengs were pushing the front & 2 from behind.
Beng went interview
Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind screamed, "Not this man!!"
Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!"
"The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black".
Ah Beng thought for a while and said "I heard the phone go green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don't purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok?"
Ah Beng got the job.
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A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem.
The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
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Floating Palakit ???
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